Bring it on!

It seems completely surreal to me that I'm here, at this place. It seems like I've spent the entire past year gearing up for this moment and then before you know it-it's here.

I had my very first fill today. My doctor asked me if I was ready to start losing weight. One part of me wanted to scream, "Heck yeah! I've been waiting YEARS to start losing weight! I'm ready, bring it on!" Yet, there was another voice inside of me, timidly wondering if all would be okay-was this really happening-what if it doesn't work-what if I can't do this?

Yet, I sit here, excited. Really excited. Wanting to shout from the roof tops excited! My weight loss journey has brought me to this point and I am MORE than ready. I am so very ready to see the pounds melting off-to feel a bit lighter on my feet-to feel really good about myself again. And, I know that my value and self worth as a person doesn't come from a number on a scale, or a number sewn into my pants but I'm so ready to allow myself to not just know that in my head-but to know that in my heart, too. Bring it on! I'm ready!

Fill 'Er Up!

Tomorrow is the big day! My very first fill! I'm not sure what to think-I guess I'm a little bit anxious and a whole lot excited.

I think I've gotten through "Bandster Hell" as well as could be expected. It seems as though my appetite has increased substantially the past week. I'm able to eat more at each meal and I'm getting hungry. I hear that is quite normal-and we know that my "normal" has forever been altered.

My Attack the Fat Challenge starts just two weeks after my fill, too. So, hopefully we'll get the band on track and start the challenge. I am just thinking about how great it's going to be to start seeing results!

I think I will attempt and post a photo diary of my journey. After reading another blog, I'm going to take a picture each month on the same day. Let's hope I can figure out how to post pictures into my blogs...perhaps after the weight loss, I can master technology.

Attack the Fat Challenge...version 4

I'm all signed up and ready for Attack the Fat Challenge version 4! I am so excited about it I can hardly stand it. I'm so happy because this time around-I have two of my friends with me. We will likely be paired with another person, but it will be fun to go through this next challenge with two good girlfriends by my side.

I also got some very good news from my doctor. They scheduled my first fill! And, because I'm traveling for work-they are filling me a bit early-at 5 weeks post surgery instead of 6 weeks. My fill date is August 30. Apparently the first fill is done in the surgery center with an x-ray and drinking the barium. I'm thankful for that because I'm excited to see my new "pouch" and get visual confirmation that all is well with my band.

I've had a better week than last week but it still brought me new challenges. I'm really struggling with how this new life will work for me. I'm struggling with what to eat (I was thankfully put on regular foods-no restrictions) and how much to eat. I've had some back pain and some tightness in my chest which had me worried (once again) that I've caused my band to slip. I believe I just ate too fast and too much and yes that can cause your band to slip. So-I'm backing way off and trying to remember to take it slow. I went back to softer foods today just until I'm feeling a bit more comfortable with everything.

So-stay tuned for Attack the Fat Challenge updates as well as weight loss updates. The challenge starts mid-September; my band should be tight; the weight should come flying off! :) In the meantime-thanks so much for your support. My family and friends (both old and new) have really helped me make it through the past month. I don't know what I'd do without each and everyone of you.

Coming down off the ledge.

Good morning! It's amazing how a fresh new day and some much needed advice and support from friends can completely change your outlook.

I need to send a big thank you to my friend, RB (you know who you are). Your support and willingness to always be there for me during each step of my very new journey has been amazing. Thank you so much. Coffee at Starbucks last night really helped get me down off the ledge.

If you are considering or have had lap band surgery-I highly recommend the website lapbandtalk.com. It has great information with posts and blogs from people who have been there. I posted some concerns yesterday and within hours I had several people respond with their experiences, support and advice. There are lots of people on there who are just considering the band, as well as help in finding doctors both with insurance or for self payers. I strongly recommend it. And, if you do happen to join, please look me up and "friend" me. My user name is BandNewMe.

I know this post is a big boring and not filled with my usual sarcasm or wit (at least I fancy myself a bit witty) but the past week has been beyond terrible. I'm apparently in something called "Bandster Hell." Lovely, right? And, let me tell you-it's certainly been hellish. But, the good news is-I'm getting through it. I'm surviving. I'm learning-not only about life with my band, but I'm learning about myself. I'm working on the very difficult "head issues" that have gotten me into this mess to begin with. And, no matter what avenue we take to lose weight-we all have to deal with our head issues. So, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my family (who deal with me and my head issues day in and day out), my friends (who so faithfully talk me down off the ledge and accept me for who I am), technology (so helpful to me and my journey is meeting others who have been there); and oddly, I'm thankful for the ledges themselves-as being on the ledge and having to be talked off it, teaches me things about myself that I wouldn't otherwise learn. God is good, God is a gentle teacher who gets us to self discovery in His time and in His ways...man am I blessed.

Full on freak out in progress...be warned!

Yes, it's true. I am experiencing a full on, hard core freak out. I am exactly 3 weeks post surgery and am CONVINCED I've caused my band to slip. Throughout this process, the doctor said the most common complication from the surgery is band slippage. And, from the beginning, I've worried that it will happen to me. I do, at times, have a "Ziggy mentality" and feel as though that rain cloud is looming over me. More often than not, the rain cloud is no where in sight-but my perception is that it's right there. Not that I'm a total doom and gloomer-I'm actually quite positive.

Perhaps it's years of disappointment over my weight loss failures that has brought this on. Perhaps it's the bloating and discomfort anytime I eat anything. Or, perhaps it's the chronic mid-back pain that has me fearing the slippage. I'm not quite sure. I've called the doctor and unfortunately my nurse is on vacation until next week. And, I do have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday. But, until I get some clear answers from my doctor-I'm left to wrestle with my mind and speculate on my "symptoms". Neither of which is good.

A friend of mine recently encouraged me with "this WILL work." Don't stay focused on your past failures...this time it IS different. Why do I torture myself this way? Why am I looking for reasons to think this won't work? I know these are only questions I can eventually answer-after much prayer and self reflection.

So, as I pack up after my week long vacation at the beach and wonder why I've had to consume myself with these thoughts while attempting to enjoy sun and surf (Yes, can you believe I've tortured myself while on vacation with my gorgeous family?)- I realize that perhaps this week of fearing over slippage has roots in some deeper issues. Yes- fear of failure (and rejection); fear of feeling less than worthy; fear of succeeding (yes-we all must admit that sometimes the fear of success is scarier than failure). I am reminded and assured that as a child of God-I need not fear anything. For if God is with me-who can be against me? The answer is no one-except maybe myself. I really must get out of my own way...

Where's my medication?????

Yes, you guessed it. I’m referring to the medication that has gotten me into this terrible mess of obesity. I medicate myself with food. That’s it-the ugly truth.

I had the crappiest of crappy days yesterday at work. It was miserable-I actually cried the entire way home from work. That’s not really like me-I can usually hold myself together pretty well. I’m sure it’s a combination of all the stressors in my life recently that brought me to the breaking point. But, I walked in that door and was looking, searching, frantic to find something to eat. Crazy, right? I wanted to eat something to make myself feel “better”. But, I know I would have felt worse afterwards because of the crushing, oppressive guilt I would have felt for having eaten something that takes me further and further away from my goals.

So, I happily report that I was able to refrain from taking the leap of overindulgence. It was tough-but I managed not to medicate myself with food. I guess these are the changes that will slowly make their way into my routine. So, no more food medication for me…now it’s strictly vitamins, the occasional Tylenol oh yeah, and the anti-nausea meds and acid reflux meds. Gotta love the band!

To take the challenge or not????

So, I'm not sure what to do. The next session of the Attack the Fat Challenge begins in mid-September. I'm torn! On one hand, I want to do it again. It was such a great feeling getting my hiney kicked by a personal trainer several times a week and trying out new classes. On the other hand, I lost nothing...nada...zilch...zippo. After 22 weeks with a personal trainer 3 days a week and the other 4 days of "homework" I lost nothing.

I do think I have a lot going for me this time around. I will have my little friend (aka my lap band) to help me with the food logging/journaling/calorie counting. But, it's another $400. The amount of money I've spent on the Attack the Fat Challenge, the surgery, etc...I mean really...do you know how much Lilly Pulitzer I could have purchased by now? Of course-it doesn't really matter if I can't fit into it.

I have a friend who I'm hoping will take the challenge with me. I guess we'll have to come to a decision here soon. Sign up starts next week...stay tuned to see if I will once again have a ridiculous team name...

Awww---mushy, mushy..

Wahoo! I have moved on to the soft, mushy food stage! This is clearly an exciting day for me. Beacuse, if I have to eat cream of broccoli soup again anytime soon-I will throw up. And, I’m not a huge fan of protein shakes right now either.

I had my first follow up meeting with my surgeon today. We reviewed my surgery pictures-fascinating. They told me I had skinny insides. Which, despite being a ridiculous thing to be happy about-I smiled. At least part of me is skinny. Now I’ll just have to let my outsides catch up with my insides.

Things appear to be going well. I’m down 13 pounds and I get to start eating mushy foods. Life is grand! I go back in 10 days to see how I’m doing. I’m not exactly sure what we will discuss on my next visit but I will hold out hope that in 10 days I will be instructed to move to “regular food” ie food that hasn’t been mashed or pureed into a paste-like consistency. But, if I’m still on mushy foods in 10 days, it will be but a still so small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

I want to thank all the lap banders out there with blogs. I’m so encouraged reading your posts and looking at pictures of your progress. I hope to figure out how to upload pictures to my blog as well. As soon as this natural blonde figures it out-expect some pictures of my not yet skinny outsides…I’ll refrain from posting pictures of my skinny insides…although I am quite proud. 