I seem to have lost it; my motivation that is (although some that know me may have thought I was talking about my mind).
It’s been a ROUGH few weeks. The unbelievable amounts of snow certainly hasn’t helped the situation but I guess what’s been really rough is the mind game I’ve been playing with myself. And here’s the real kicker about the mind games you play with yourself…there’s no winner. I have lost the battle with my mind the past few weeks and now I’m working on picking myself up, coming up out of the ditch I’ve been in and attempt to find my motivation.
I guess for the first time in a long time (since I started the Attack the Fat Challenge back in September) I feel hopeless. Now, I’m no stranger to the feelings of hopelessness when it comes to the battle with my weight. But, I haven’t experienced that feeling in a long time. I was so sure that the Attack the Fat Challenge would yield some results (uh, no- big goose egg on the scale); then came the doctor who insisted it was my thyroid. I’ve been on the medication now for months and no difference. (Well, perhaps I shouldn’t say no difference, my hair has stopped falling out and my hands and feet aren’t little ice blocks anymore.) I feel like Princess Leia in Star Wars, crying out to the Jedi Master, “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope.” But, here’s the catch…there seems to be no Weight Loss Jedi Master.
I’m sure there are those that would argue we are our own Weight Loss Jedi Masters. And, if you read through some of my previous blogs, I would have also made that argument in my more positive and motivated weeks of yore. But, if I had my mind mastered in this game, I wouldn’t be down here, in the mud of my own hopelessness trying to figure out how to get out of the pit…and back on the spin bike where I belong.
So, I sit here, with my “Biggest Loser Application” partially completed in one hand and a pamphlet on Bariatric Surgery in the other; and I’m asking myself…is this it? Are these the options I have after letting myself get this far from health and wellness?
Awww...Nicole! I am so sorry you feel this way! I am becoming more and more convinced that the mind--and the harnessing of that power--is the most integral part of our success in this weight-loss thing. As a mom, I intimately know the guilt you feel, and the hopelessness that comes with knowing that your dreams may be on the "back-burner" for many years to come. I know you aren't where you want to be on the scale--but I also know three little angels that see you as their hero and the one who can do ANYTHING. I sometimes have asked myself that if I believed about myself what Jasmine believes of me how much different would my day be.
ReplyDeleteDon't look at the B.L. application and the Bariatric Surgery pamphlet with feelings of contempt for letting yourself get to this point. Remember the Maya Angelou quote "You did then what you knew how to do and when you knew better... you did better!"
The day I decided to have lap-band surgery, I drew a line in the sand. A statement to this fat that it had gone as far as I would allow it to go--that I would do whatever I could do to reverse the tide. It was a radical step for me, and scared the heck out of me--but I can't tell you how it changed the horizon of hope for me. I still get discouraged that it's only 28 pounds...but hey--it's 28 pounds and counting.
I don't know what you have to do to get to where you need to be, but you will find your way I can promise you that. And all of these experiences in the depths of despair can only help you empathize with others better when you write your book in the end. Like the quote from the wizard of Oz (I'm full of quotes today) "They've had what they've been searching for in them all along. I don't know what's in you. You'll have to find that out for yourself. But I do know one thing: you'll never find it in the safety of this room. I tried that all my life. It doesn't work. There's a whole world out there. And you'll have to begin by letting people see who you really are." You are doing that, Nicole! Thanks for blogging your feelings!
We're with you, girlfriend! Praying for you!! Keep your chin up and your shoulders back--get back up on that spin bike!!! I'll come with you if you go Tuesday night!
Hi Nicole! I've seen you've been following, but when I click the gray avatar your blog doesn't come up as a link (I think you have to enable it to be shown to others). Rebekah gave my your blog link (thanks girl). So now I'm following and can give you the support.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you and I so feel the desperation and hopelessness you feel because I was right there with you! I'd been dieting up and down and up more for 20-30 years (name a diet and I've done it, probably successfully too). I thought WLS was for 'other people'...WAY too drastic a step for me...I just needed to be more focused or have more willpower. And I could lose up to 50lbs. at a time. I could be an obsessive exerciser too.
I think it's a step you have to be ready for mainly in your head...the moment I let go and decided to give myself permission to seek help and forgived myself for not being able to do it on my own, well, surprisingly, it was liberating (I really alwasy thought I'd feel like a failure). Once I was at the right point in my head where it was OK to get help it was such a turning point for me...yeah it took almost a year for me to get banded (I'm a slow learner at everything) and I'll tell you it's the BEST thing I've ever done for myself. I'm still in control with what goes in my mouth, and how much exercise I do, but it's just the tool I needed to help me be successful for once (just that small thing of not being hungry between meals is so freeing). WLS is no different than kidney patient getting help with dialysis (sp?) or a cancer patient getting chemo. We're treating a disease and why wouldn't we use every tool that's available to us to do it? I only wish I'd done it sooner, but like I said, I think you have to be ready in your head, and I was still on that path where the next diet or exercise program was going to work long term.
Oh, and a note about B.Loser...love the show and what an opportunity to get some great exercise and diet training, but if you look at the majority of people who have been (not just the winners) on it they've put a lot/all the weight back on. Who can keep up that exercise schedule (especially with kids)? Most of the ones who have kept it off are trainers now, so they can keep that up. It's not just losing the weight, it's being able to keep it off (my problem in the past).
I know I've been on my soap box and I'm not trying to talk you into anything. You've got to figure out what's right for you. Even if you decide to talk to a doc about WLS, it might not be the band that's right for you, everyone has there own decisions to make.
If you have any questions, I'm here for you. Or you can send me a private message through Lap Band Talk (same name there with an underline; Band_Groupie). ((hugs)) -BG
Rebekah and BG-thank you so much for the extremly kind and motivating words of encouragement. It's so greatly appreciated.
ReplyDelete