Full on freak out in progress...be warned!

Yes, it's true. I am experiencing a full on, hard core freak out. I am exactly 3 weeks post surgery and am CONVINCED I've caused my band to slip. Throughout this process, the doctor said the most common complication from the surgery is band slippage. And, from the beginning, I've worried that it will happen to me. I do, at times, have a "Ziggy mentality" and feel as though that rain cloud is looming over me. More often than not, the rain cloud is no where in sight-but my perception is that it's right there. Not that I'm a total doom and gloomer-I'm actually quite positive.

Perhaps it's years of disappointment over my weight loss failures that has brought this on. Perhaps it's the bloating and discomfort anytime I eat anything. Or, perhaps it's the chronic mid-back pain that has me fearing the slippage. I'm not quite sure. I've called the doctor and unfortunately my nurse is on vacation until next week. And, I do have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday. But, until I get some clear answers from my doctor-I'm left to wrestle with my mind and speculate on my "symptoms". Neither of which is good.

A friend of mine recently encouraged me with "this WILL work." Don't stay focused on your past failures...this time it IS different. Why do I torture myself this way? Why am I looking for reasons to think this won't work? I know these are only questions I can eventually answer-after much prayer and self reflection.

So, as I pack up after my week long vacation at the beach and wonder why I've had to consume myself with these thoughts while attempting to enjoy sun and surf (Yes, can you believe I've tortured myself while on vacation with my gorgeous family?)- I realize that perhaps this week of fearing over slippage has roots in some deeper issues. Yes- fear of failure (and rejection); fear of feeling less than worthy; fear of succeeding (yes-we all must admit that sometimes the fear of success is scarier than failure). I am reminded and assured that as a child of God-I need not fear anything. For if God is with me-who can be against me? The answer is no one-except maybe myself. I really must get out of my own way...

Where's my medication?????

Yes, you guessed it. I’m referring to the medication that has gotten me into this terrible mess of obesity. I medicate myself with food. That’s it-the ugly truth.

I had the crappiest of crappy days yesterday at work. It was miserable-I actually cried the entire way home from work. That’s not really like me-I can usually hold myself together pretty well. I’m sure it’s a combination of all the stressors in my life recently that brought me to the breaking point. But, I walked in that door and was looking, searching, frantic to find something to eat. Crazy, right? I wanted to eat something to make myself feel “better”. But, I know I would have felt worse afterwards because of the crushing, oppressive guilt I would have felt for having eaten something that takes me further and further away from my goals.

So, I happily report that I was able to refrain from taking the leap of overindulgence. It was tough-but I managed not to medicate myself with food. I guess these are the changes that will slowly make their way into my routine. So, no more food medication for me…now it’s strictly vitamins, the occasional Tylenol oh yeah, and the anti-nausea meds and acid reflux meds. Gotta love the band!

To take the challenge or not????

So, I'm not sure what to do. The next session of the Attack the Fat Challenge begins in mid-September. I'm torn! On one hand, I want to do it again. It was such a great feeling getting my hiney kicked by a personal trainer several times a week and trying out new classes. On the other hand, I lost nothing...nada...zilch...zippo. After 22 weeks with a personal trainer 3 days a week and the other 4 days of "homework" I lost nothing.

I do think I have a lot going for me this time around. I will have my little friend (aka my lap band) to help me with the food logging/journaling/calorie counting. But, it's another $400. The amount of money I've spent on the Attack the Fat Challenge, the surgery, etc...I mean really...do you know how much Lilly Pulitzer I could have purchased by now? Of course-it doesn't really matter if I can't fit into it.

I have a friend who I'm hoping will take the challenge with me. I guess we'll have to come to a decision here soon. Sign up starts next week...stay tuned to see if I will once again have a ridiculous team name...

Awww---mushy, mushy..

Wahoo! I have moved on to the soft, mushy food stage! This is clearly an exciting day for me. Beacuse, if I have to eat cream of broccoli soup again anytime soon-I will throw up. And, I’m not a huge fan of protein shakes right now either.

I had my first follow up meeting with my surgeon today. We reviewed my surgery pictures-fascinating. They told me I had skinny insides. Which, despite being a ridiculous thing to be happy about-I smiled. At least part of me is skinny. Now I’ll just have to let my outsides catch up with my insides.

Things appear to be going well. I’m down 13 pounds and I get to start eating mushy foods. Life is grand! I go back in 10 days to see how I’m doing. I’m not exactly sure what we will discuss on my next visit but I will hold out hope that in 10 days I will be instructed to move to “regular food” ie food that hasn’t been mashed or pureed into a paste-like consistency. But, if I’m still on mushy foods in 10 days, it will be but a still so small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

I want to thank all the lap banders out there with blogs. I’m so encouraged reading your posts and looking at pictures of your progress. I hope to figure out how to upload pictures to my blog as well. As soon as this natural blonde figures it out-expect some pictures of my not yet skinny outsides…I’ll refrain from posting pictures of my skinny insides…although I am quite proud. 

I feel good

I woke up the other morning singing James Brown's "I feel good." And, I do. I am on the mend from the surgery and still just so excited about what lies before me on my weight loss journey.

Now, I am a bit sick and tired of protein and fruit shakes. I have a follow up doctors appointment on Monday at which time I hope I get the green light for some soft, mushy foods. Who would have thought I would be counting down the days until I was able to eat PUREED foods? Really?

I'm down about 13 pounds since I started my 7 day pre-op diet. 13 pounds-that is not too shabby and I'm totally excited about it. I spent 44 weeks with a personal trainer over the last 52 weeks; modified my diet and lost nothing. So, to see 13 pounds was quite an accomplishment. Speaking of the gym...

I miss that, too (in addition to actual food versus a blended icy concoction). I am on an exercise hiatus until I've fully mended and I really am looking forward to getting back in the gym and hitting that spin bike. Who would have thought...I'm looking forward to pureed foods and the spin bike...talk about changes.

Now, someone grab my shiny sparkly pink boxing robe...I must complete singing along with the Godfather of Soul...I feel good...I knew that I would now...

Freedom in Boundries...

My husband reminded me today, as I'm in my hospital gown feeling as though a Mack truck hit me then turned around and hit me again, that there is Freedom in Boundaries. And, he's exactly right.

My pastor once told a story about a group of school children who were taken outside to play. One group played in a fenced in area and one group played in an area with no fences. The children within the fencing explored the entire area, ran, laughed and played until it was time to go inside. The other group, the group without fencing, just sort of mingled in the middle of the play yard, not really exploring the entire play area. Freedom in Boundaries.

I am home today after my lap band surgery. And, as awful as I may feel physically right now, I'm terribly excited and happy. As I mentioned in a previous blog-I'm looking forward to redefining my relationship with food. And, it's starting with boundaries and my freedom within those boundaries. The lap band is my fence...so it's time to enjoy my life using my band to help me place boundaries on my previously destructive relationship with food!

3 down and counting...

I'm almost through day 4 of my liquid low carb diet which means I'm a little over 3 days away from surgery.

I think I'm handling it just fine (insert irrational, nasty comment to a dear loved one here). Seriously-I think I've been a bit...bitc%y. I'm sure there are those that may not notice the difference, but man I've been about ready to take people's heads off and in some instances HAVE! :) So, for those of you in the line of fire-I apologize. It's not you-it's me (and the lack of any carbs in my diet).

It's almost surreal to think it's just days away. Days away to a completely life changing event. No longer will I be able to sit on the sofa, watching TV and eating a bag (yes, the complete bag) of chips. No longer will I be able to go out to dinner with my family and eat the chips/salsa and an entree. And, no longer will I be able to feel guilty about it.

I find it interesting that the things we do to comfort ourselves are oftentimes the same things that make us feel like crap about ourselves. It's such a vicious cycle-as any addiction is.

So, I look with promise to my new life after surgery. I'm looking forward to food not being my best friend and my worst enemy. I'm starting to visualize my new relationship with food and man am I excited. Let the chains and shackles fall because a prisoner to food I will no longer be.

Now-a slave to fashion...I see that addiction staying with me (and perhaps intensifying) for quite some time...perhaps I should tell my husband to not read my blog tonight.