To take the challenge or not????

So, I'm not sure what to do. The next session of the Attack the Fat Challenge begins in mid-September. I'm torn! On one hand, I want to do it again. It was such a great feeling getting my hiney kicked by a personal trainer several times a week and trying out new classes. On the other hand, I lost nothing...nada...zilch...zippo. After 22 weeks with a personal trainer 3 days a week and the other 4 days of "homework" I lost nothing.

I do think I have a lot going for me this time around. I will have my little friend (aka my lap band) to help me with the food logging/journaling/calorie counting. But, it's another $400. The amount of money I've spent on the Attack the Fat Challenge, the surgery, etc...I mean really...do you know how much Lilly Pulitzer I could have purchased by now? Of course-it doesn't really matter if I can't fit into it.

I have a friend who I'm hoping will take the challenge with me. I guess we'll have to come to a decision here soon. Sign up starts next week...stay tuned to see if I will once again have a ridiculous team name...

Awww---mushy, mushy..

Wahoo! I have moved on to the soft, mushy food stage! This is clearly an exciting day for me. Beacuse, if I have to eat cream of broccoli soup again anytime soon-I will throw up. And, I’m not a huge fan of protein shakes right now either.

I had my first follow up meeting with my surgeon today. We reviewed my surgery pictures-fascinating. They told me I had skinny insides. Which, despite being a ridiculous thing to be happy about-I smiled. At least part of me is skinny. Now I’ll just have to let my outsides catch up with my insides.

Things appear to be going well. I’m down 13 pounds and I get to start eating mushy foods. Life is grand! I go back in 10 days to see how I’m doing. I’m not exactly sure what we will discuss on my next visit but I will hold out hope that in 10 days I will be instructed to move to “regular food” ie food that hasn’t been mashed or pureed into a paste-like consistency. But, if I’m still on mushy foods in 10 days, it will be but a still so small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

I want to thank all the lap banders out there with blogs. I’m so encouraged reading your posts and looking at pictures of your progress. I hope to figure out how to upload pictures to my blog as well. As soon as this natural blonde figures it out-expect some pictures of my not yet skinny outsides…I’ll refrain from posting pictures of my skinny insides…although I am quite proud. 

I feel good

I woke up the other morning singing James Brown's "I feel good." And, I do. I am on the mend from the surgery and still just so excited about what lies before me on my weight loss journey.

Now, I am a bit sick and tired of protein and fruit shakes. I have a follow up doctors appointment on Monday at which time I hope I get the green light for some soft, mushy foods. Who would have thought I would be counting down the days until I was able to eat PUREED foods? Really?

I'm down about 13 pounds since I started my 7 day pre-op diet. 13 pounds-that is not too shabby and I'm totally excited about it. I spent 44 weeks with a personal trainer over the last 52 weeks; modified my diet and lost nothing. So, to see 13 pounds was quite an accomplishment. Speaking of the gym...

I miss that, too (in addition to actual food versus a blended icy concoction). I am on an exercise hiatus until I've fully mended and I really am looking forward to getting back in the gym and hitting that spin bike. Who would have thought...I'm looking forward to pureed foods and the spin bike...talk about changes.

Now, someone grab my shiny sparkly pink boxing robe...I must complete singing along with the Godfather of Soul...I feel good...I knew that I would now...

Freedom in Boundries...

My husband reminded me today, as I'm in my hospital gown feeling as though a Mack truck hit me then turned around and hit me again, that there is Freedom in Boundaries. And, he's exactly right.

My pastor once told a story about a group of school children who were taken outside to play. One group played in a fenced in area and one group played in an area with no fences. The children within the fencing explored the entire area, ran, laughed and played until it was time to go inside. The other group, the group without fencing, just sort of mingled in the middle of the play yard, not really exploring the entire play area. Freedom in Boundaries.

I am home today after my lap band surgery. And, as awful as I may feel physically right now, I'm terribly excited and happy. As I mentioned in a previous blog-I'm looking forward to redefining my relationship with food. And, it's starting with boundaries and my freedom within those boundaries. The lap band is my fence...so it's time to enjoy my life using my band to help me place boundaries on my previously destructive relationship with food!

3 down and counting...

I'm almost through day 4 of my liquid low carb diet which means I'm a little over 3 days away from surgery.

I think I'm handling it just fine (insert irrational, nasty comment to a dear loved one here). Seriously-I think I've been a bit...bitc%y. I'm sure there are those that may not notice the difference, but man I've been about ready to take people's heads off and in some instances HAVE! :) So, for those of you in the line of fire-I apologize. It's not you-it's me (and the lack of any carbs in my diet).

It's almost surreal to think it's just days away. Days away to a completely life changing event. No longer will I be able to sit on the sofa, watching TV and eating a bag (yes, the complete bag) of chips. No longer will I be able to go out to dinner with my family and eat the chips/salsa and an entree. And, no longer will I be able to feel guilty about it.

I find it interesting that the things we do to comfort ourselves are oftentimes the same things that make us feel like crap about ourselves. It's such a vicious cycle-as any addiction is.

So, I look with promise to my new life after surgery. I'm looking forward to food not being my best friend and my worst enemy. I'm starting to visualize my new relationship with food and man am I excited. Let the chains and shackles fall because a prisoner to food I will no longer be.

Now-a slave to fashion...I see that addiction staying with me (and perhaps intensifying) for quite some time...perhaps I should tell my husband to not read my blog tonight.

Day 2...

Really, it's only been a little over 24 hours since I started my pre-op diet? This is going to be tough. I started my all liquid, low carb diet yesterday. And, at the same time decided to try and give up caffeine. Probably not the wisest move, my friends. So, last night I indulged in a glass of tea and this morning-coffee. At least the headache went away!

For those who don't know me, after years of struggle I've decided to have Lap Band surgery. This was not a decision made lightly or without prayer and deep self reflection. So-if you think you might have a comment to offer that is not supportive, let me stop you there and ask that you refrain from posting your particular opinion on the subject. This is, after all, a decision that affects me and my family so we're really the only ones who should have much say in the matter. And, we see this as a tool to offer me assistance while I continue on my path of health. It's not the easy fix rather an aid to help me accomplish my goals.

Surgery is scheduled for Friday, July 23. I am nervous but excited; hesitant and hopeful; but mostly I'm a bit weary from a long struggle that has netted limited results. So, I move forward on my journey-putting behind me those dangerous thoughts of is this really going to work when nothing else has? I choose to think rather of the possibilities ahead of me...a long active, healthy life with my husband and three kids; not being self conscious of my body, not deciding to engage in life for fear of embarrassment and of course-a closet full of Lilly Pulitzer...

So, stay tuned my friends...I'm sure your support will be needed and appreciated...

I'm baaaack...................

No, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. Although I have been living in the trenches again.

I ran into a friend who asked me why I haven’t blogged in awhile. I wish I had a good excuse, but my friends, life is my excuse. I got insanely busy at work and ended up traveling for three weeks in the month of May! That left little time for blogging. I do, after all, have a fairly demanding full time job and three fairly demanding children.

I finished up the Attack the Fat Challenge, again. Yes-I am happy to report that 22 weeks with a personal trainer has netted me a loss of….drum roll please…..2 pounds! Yahoo (insert sarcastic laugh here). Which, I’ve promptly gained back. Although perhaps the 2 pounds was just water weight anyway so I didn’t really lose anything and therefore can’t be held responsible for gaining it back.

As you can imagine, I’ve been a bit depressed about the 2 pounds…uh, I mean, ZERO pounds. So, being busy aside, that’s another reason I haven’t blogged. I am just really having a hard time staying motivated and positive. Which, is not like me at all; I’m a pretty positive person-I see the glass as half full not half empty.

I have two friends that are so close to their goal weights and I’m so very excited and happy for them. I truly am. It’s just hard to look in the mirror and see how far away I am. And, it’s not for lack of trying that the mountain seems insurmountable. But, I must plug away and carry on. So, I’m back.

Thank you for your patience and support as I took the past few months off and pouted. I’m sure there are blue skies on my horizon…